Monday, May 18, 2009

The One, The Only, The Ed!

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy Everybody!
The Ed
(This is merely one artist's rendition of Ed, no known internet photos have surfaced as of the date I posted this article)

In the deserts of Nevada you can find him. In the oasis town of Las Vegas he makes his home flitting between his three major hubs: The Casinos where he wagers on his games, the fast food joints where he obtains his sustenance, and the Wal-Marts where he finds his football men. A fifty-five year old black man who has decided that he is going to start aging in reverse (He is going to start subtracting a year from his age each birthday from now on, so on his next birthday he will be 54, the following year he will be 53, etc. He hopes to make it back to 45.)

His name is Ed Miller. (Big E, little bitty D, Big M and then i-l-l-e-r, if you need to know how to spell it, Ed style) However to a host of fans he is know simply as, “The Ed.” His charm is undeniable, even if his methods are somewhat less than politically correct. He’ll tell you how it is, and you’ll believe him. Partly because what he says makes sense, and partly just because you can’t help but like the guy. He definitely moves to the beat of his own drum, and his grip on reality as a whole can at time be somewhat tenuous, but he’s a pretty good guy at heart, and if you listen to him for any amount of time, chances are you’ll appreciate his brand of wisdom and knowledge.
He can turn a phrase like no one else in recorded history, and the things that come out of his mouth can be both nonsensical as well as deeply profound, often times simultaneously. He’s not a philosopher. He lives life as it comes to him, but I find it impossible that you would listen to him talk for very long without at least being intrigued.

I first encountered The Ed on Dave Dameshek’s podcast on page 2 of, since then, he has launched (with a lot of help from Mike Dell, the editor in chief over at his own show on and his own website at He also has a large presence at the Dave Dameshek message board over at His screen name is “Pey Pey 23” and he leaves his fantastic insights all the time “on that message thing.” Although his spelling doesn’t always jive completely with Merriam-Webster (he spells the name Brittany B-R-E-E-T-O-N-J-Y) you pretty much always get what he's after. I have talked to him on just a couple of occasions on his show, and he’s definitely a good guy.
Occasionally he slightly alters actual words or names and creates his own unique words and phrases. Swine Flu quickly became Spine Flu, the economic downturn is now a 'repression', Ben Roethlisberger is Benlisberger, and Kobe Bryant turned in Cody Ryan. Ed, who is a big Indianapolis Colts fan, is convinced that former head coach Tony Dungy was a terrible coach who never had his headset connected.

There is no way for me to fully explain the Ed, you have to experience him for yourself, but I am going to include quite a lengthy list of quotes from him to give you a taste. These are quotes that I have gleaned listening to his show in podcast form over the past few months, but he is good for a quote like this every five minutes or so. I would try to give context for these quotes, but I’m not sure that it would make a lick of difference, because the non sequitur nature of the Ed renders most context irrelevant. Just read them, and if you like what you read, I guarantee it’s better when it comes out of Ed’s mouth directly. If you’re interested in hearing more, Ed’s show airs at every Thursday night 10:00 PM Eastern Time (9:00 PM Central, 8:00 Mountain, and 7:00 Pacific) Be forewarned, that his show is probably not entirely appropriate for kids, but you can make that decision for yourself, I’m just putting this out there into the universe, do with it as you will. But I now present…Edisms:
"It's like a pirate that eats sunshine, it don't make no sense!"

"People can't be namin their kids crazy names like Air Filter Jenkins‏."

"I gotta get this booger off my finger, hang on. Man this thing is big. It won't even shake off my finger."‏

"I'll punch him in the mouth with an autographed picture of Mohammad Ali"‏

"I got two frying pans and a lunch box, but it don't make no difference.‏ "

A caller named LiJay was causing an echo on Ed's radio program so Ed said, "He done swallowed some kind of transitor system or something."‏

Ed has an idea for a great product. "Diet Soap, wash away the pounds!”‏

"Hold on, I'm about to choke on a nacho chip‏."

"I don't know if you're knowledgeable, but you know a lot of stuff."‏
"You got two sticks and a gun, You cant make biscuits"
"Some kids drove by in a car and threw tacos at me"

"I'd be down there on 3rd base line just get ready and Pow, gone like a lightning slash. I was so fast sometimes they'd give me two runs for stealing home.‏"
"You want a poke in the eye with a stick?"
"For Breakfast I have... 2 eggs... 2 pieces bacon... 2 cookies and a coke"

"Whoever's doing good at the baseball game sucks at the homerun derby and whoever's doing good at the homerun derby sucks at the baseball game, It's kind of a weird trynamic.‏"

"That guy is shadier than Pimento Loaf.‏"

"Anybody calls in and gives me an update I'm gonna mash em in the mouth with like a stop sign or something.‏"

"Just a bunch of nonsense trash in a basket.‏"

"My heart's racing like a turnpike in a buttlenut."‏

"Patrick Roy was a better goalie than Martin Landau.‏"

"Can you believe it? That's all just stuck in my head like a monkey's nuts.‏"

Singing his own version of Steve Miller Band – “I want to fly like an eagle, wearing jeans.”‏

"That dog is a big ole monkey dog, man. It's HUGE!"‏

Dick Banks, a musician who helped record and produce many of Ed’s songs. "He has a piano on a stick.‏"

"Dave owes me a six pack of barbeque lotion.‏"

"If I see you, I'm just gonna tackle you, man.‏"

"You can't get superstars of the millennium at just the break of a dime." (Referring to getting Texas Tech coach Pat Knight for Dave Dameshek's show)‏

"I'm going to annomalate you.‏ You're going to get annomolated, and that's how it's going to be.‏"

"I got a toothache in my stomach.‏"

“you have never reely lived until you see a body rikoshay off of you winsheeld...‏” – Ed posted this on…it’s probably better if you don’t ask

"Don't be calling in trying to win prizes cuz I give real prizes on my show and cash and trips for two to Guam and everything!"

"It's scared me to death, man, like a pickelloaf sandwich on some hot bread, it don't matter."

"She's hot like some hot chocolate and some pudding wafers, I'm telling ya."

"You beat lijay, but a monkey and two bricks coulda done that."

"It ain't good Good Friday, cuz that already passed right before Easter, but it's still an Alright Friday. It's alright Friday, I guess."

I also thought I’d include these three bits of conversations that happened on various podcasts, because they cracked me up…

(On Dameshek on Demand)
Skylar The Sass (on Dave Dameshek’s podcast): “Hey, what’s up the Ed?”

Ed: Not too much, man. Just thinking about what I’m doing, you know, cuz sometimes I gotta get it done and you know, I gotta make sure people have it all cuz if they don’t ain’t nobody gonna have nothin.

(On the Ed Show)
Ed: We drivin in a construction zone right now.
Mike Dell: Well, be careful, the Ed
Ed: There’s flashing lights and people jumpin around… This guy got a hammer and a butcher knife.
Mike Dell: Now why does he have a butcher knife, the Ed?
Ed: I don’t know, he’s a construction worker.
Mike Dell: Oh, well then that makes sense.
(On the Spanky Brown show)
Ed was asked: "What do you use for bait?" He said, "I put Cheese Whiz on some worms."‏
I hope that you enjoyed all of these "Edisms" but if you didn't "Don't cry about it." And whatever else you may do, "Don't let 'em talk bad about ya!"
The Ed 2


Eric said...

Nice work.

UmassJSP said...

Great biopic on The Ed. Maybe you can have Feeney from the Dameshek podcast turn it into a special or reality show. Thanks...Scott from Cape Cod

Scott Haynes said...

i listened to two Dameshek podcasts, the second one featuring The Ed.

i'm hooked now.