Thursday, May 14, 2009

Magnificent Seven: 7 Eccentric things I would do if I were stupid rich

The premise for today’s magnificent seven is simple, let’s say I won the lottery four hundred and eighteen times in a row. I now have so much money that I laugh in the face and the balance sheets of Billionaires. I have stupid money. What do I do with my stupid money? (And yes, I would do a lot of good and noble things with my riches, be assured of that, but this list is all about the weird stuff I would work on.) Vertically Striped Socks is now proud to present…The Magnificent Seven – 7 Eccentric things I would do if I were stupid rich.

1. This first one is something I could probably do now, although I wouldn’t be able to justify the minimal expense on my limited budget, but if I had stupid money? Done and done. I would wear a brand new pair of socks every day. Is there anything better than the cushy goodness of a brand new pair of socks fresh from the package? They still have the fluffy support and cushiness that slowly is lost as they are repeatedly washed and slowly they are ground down into a mere mortal sock, but if I had stupid money, I would only wear a pair of socks once and then donate them to some charitable cause that could use an unending supply of almost brand new socks.

2. I would commission a graphic design firm to rework the image of my fantasy football league. They would be immediately set to work creating professional looking logos for every team in my fantasy football league. I would have them create a league logo, and create cool logos and word marks for all the teams that would be the envy of professional sporting leagues around the globe. After these brand images were created for each team, the design team would then work with a team from some sporting apparel company such as Nike or Reebok and they would design team apparel for each owner in the league. I would have these items shipped out to each fantasy owner before our draft so we could all come to the draft wearing our own team’s apparel. It would be glorious!

3. I would buy the Carolina Hurricanes and immediately move them back to Hartford and change their name back to the Whalers. Seriously, we need hockey in North Carolina? Really? Plus there is no finer uniform in sports than the old blue and green Hartford Whalers jerseys, this needs to happen, and I would gladly be the one to make it happen if I had stupid money.

4. I would commission a statistical study in the Men's room at my office to see which sink gets used the most. In the men’s room at my office there are four sinks, for some reason I really want to know which sink gets used the most. This one is mostly just for me, although I would gladly share the results with the world. I would hire some undergrad student desperate for a few bucks to station himself in the bathroom and keep stats for each sink. It might be a little awkward, but this is information that I would like to have, information that may be critical for the world.

5. Most normal guys have a dream car, some exotic Italian sports car or some precision piece of German engineering that if they had the means to acquire, they would pick it up as a way to show off and compensate for their other shortcomings. They don’t actually ever expect to own their dream car, because oftentimes these vehicles cost more than the GDP of Finland, so it remains just that…a dream. I am normal in that I too have a dream car; I am a bit of a freak in that my dream car retails for an MSRP of $20,275. That’s right, I love me some Honda Element. I dig that groovy looking box. It’s not overly fancy or expensive, but I want one. My wife and I were once involved in a newlywed game, and one of the questions she got right about me was, “What would be the first thing I would buy if I won the lottery?” Yup, she knows me well enough that she wrote Honda Element on the card. So obviously, I’m a bit of a dork. Now, if I had stupid money, this would not change my dream car scenario, it would only increase the dork level of my dreams. You see, if I had stupid money I would buy a fleet of Honda Elements in all different colors so my vehicle could match my outfit. Say I’m headed to the Broncos game, I’d break out the orange Element. If I were in a brooding mood, I’d get all dressed up in black and hop into the Black Element. Lets just say that I have temporarily placed my hockey hopes in the Chicago Blackhawks, I could tool around town in a red Element. To celebrate Earth Day, I might hop in the green Element. The options would be only as limited as my imagination. I have to say this is one of my favorite ideas for my stupid money.

6. Everyone hates advertising, but no one does anything about it. Since I now have stupid money, I think I would have to get into at least one slightly subversive activity, and here would be mine. I would declare war on advertising, specifically billboards. I would put together a coalition of people who are as annoyed with advertising as I am who also have a bit of a militaristic bent and I would finance a war on billboards. I would reward my crew for the most creative way possible to tear these things down, with the one caveat that they cannot hurt anyone or destroy any other property other than billboards. They could use Molotov cocktails, chainsaws, makeshift bombs, a pick axe, semi-automatic weapons, Abrams Tanks, basically any method of destruction would be in play so long as the target was a billboard. My war on billboards would be fierce. I believe that it would be celebrated as our liberation from they tyranny of road signs. Viva La Revolución!

7. My final thing I would do if I were stupid rich is a bit odd considering my previous item, but stay with me here. I would buy a three minute advertising spot during the Super Bowl. I know, it goes against my whole war on advertising, but get this…I would buy the advertising, but then would show some type of short film during that time. I would do my very best to keep my intentions for the three minute spot secret, but I would hire an experienced Hollywood production team to create my film. It would be some sort of art that would be a bit out there, but it would also be awesome. I haven’t worked out all the details on this, but the major ingredients to the film would be that it would be a bit confusing, a bit odd, quite a bit provocative, and most importantly it would have to have zero connection to any product or political position. I would not want to advertise anything except for art and then not explain what was going on so people would be left to try and figure out what the heck just happened. I absolutely love this idea, and if I were stupid rich, it would most definitely be very high on the agenda.

1 comment:

Scott Haynes said...

can't go wrong with the Element.